Snow -You’re an asshole. You come when you’re not invited, you stay far longer than you’re welcome, and you leave everything a mess when you go. Sometimes you’re light and fluffy, and you blow across my windshield when I’m just trying to get to work. Sometimes you’re wet and depressingly heavy and my back aches just trying to life you off of my driveway. And you’re so clingy, I can’t go anywhere without you hanging on me and melting all over my wood floors. Snow, you’re an asshole. Go home.

I still want you to come for Christmas, maybe even Christmas Eve. However, you are not welcome to stay around until New Year’s Eve. People are far too drunk without you under their tires making things like braking, turning, and swerving difficult. Sure you cover up the dead leaves in my yard that I never raked up, but you also like to point out the fact that my front yard seems to be the local dogs’ preferred urinal. In addition, every time the plow throws you onto the sidewalk in front of my house you become my liability, making some pedestrian fall and break a wrist is now somehow my problem. You probably don’t even have a lawyer, do you?

By the way, when you go, take your asshole cousin Ice with you. Get him out of my gutters and off of my street. I ran over Ice yesterday and practically lost my front bumper into the back of a parked pickup. Also, Ice has been hanging around on the eaves of my house lately, looking particularly pointy and deadly. I swear to God some day I’m going to slam the front door too hard and he’s going to end up lobotomizing me.

If any more of you shows up before the agreed upon dates I’m going to rescind my Christmas invitation altogether. I don’t care that you make passable copies of people (granted, in three lumps, which looks more like a Disney caterpillar.) I don’t care that my dog seems to love running around on you, or that neighborhood children seem to enjoy sliding down you on pieces of plastic. Snow, you’re an asshole, and I want you gone.

If you should up before Christmas Even next year, you’re going to be very, very sorry. I’m going to rent a U-Haul and take as much of you with me as I can when I move to Arizona.